Honest Post of Anxiety and Defeat

This week has been hard. The voice of defeat has been screaming, deafening my every move this week. Anxiety has shown his ugly head and has caused me to curl up on the couch most nights in tears. I have had health issues I have never experienced before, stress that causes me to question my passions, a lack of drive to even be myself. I am tired, overwhelmed, broken, and quite frankly done. I have used the word done 4, 987 times this week. I know God’s truth, I believe His goodness and His faithfulness, and yet I still find myself struggling, mind racing, before my feet even touch the floor in the morning. I feel this pressure to put on a good face and stand strong, I hate admitting my weakness, even to the Lord (kind of ironic since He already sees and knows my every thought and move). My focus is distorted. I have found myself listening to the lies of other voices that always harm my spirit more than encourage it. I have found myself searching  for things that scream in my ear “NOT ENOUGH!” The enemy’s great at heaping on guilt, condemnation, and fear. Instead of giving my problems to the Lord I have stared up at them like giants of impossibility that I will never defeat, especially with my small stones and inadequate slingshot. I have found myself turning off the worship music and turning up social media. Shutting my bible and turning on the TV. I have more than once admitted defeat this week…

The truth is, this month I haven’t felt like a strong warrior for God’s purposes. I just feel really weak. Afraid. Alone. Defeated.

But this morning while driving in the silence I am reminded of Gideon.

When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.” Judges 6:12

Gideon certainly had no reason to feel strong, mighty, or anything like a warrior at that moment. He and his people were facing great suffering and defeat at the hand of the enemy. He questioned that God was even with him. In fact, when the angel showed up, he was hiding in fear. Normally in biblical times people would thresh their wheat on the  hilltop but Gideon was threshing in the pit of a winepress. He was living in fear and trying to keep hidden from view of the enemy who’d been raiding their land. Gideon questioned God like I have most of this week… “If God was with us, then why did this happen?” Anybody else find themselves defeated, hiding from everything, including God? Asking ourselves

If God is really here, then why?

If God is really good, then when?

If God really cares, then how?

Did I miss something?

Did I miss God?

Did I mis my purpose?

Why am I not enough?

Even as an angel stands in Gideon’s midst he still ask “How can God save Israel? I am not enough, I am the weakest”…And the response He is given is one I am trying my best to cling too. “And the Lord answered, ‘I will be with you…’” Judges 6:16

Five of the most powerful words…I WILL BE WITH YOU.

If I am attempting to cling to anything this week it is God’s Presence is real, even when I can not feel it. The battle can be intense and overwhelming  Some days the enemy seems to come in like a flood and we feel utterly defeated. We wake up in the morning and find ourselves wrestling again with the same defeated thoughts that we thought we’d finally laid to rest the night before. Disappointments linger like dark winter clouds. We struggle with feeling like we haven’t measured up, we listen to the lies that we are “less than…”not enough”…

BUT GOD.

BUT GOD.

BUT GOD…He still answers us. Just like He did for Gideon.

He sees mighty when we see weak.

He sees victory when we see defeat.

He sees worthy when we see broken.

He sees purpose when we see not enough.

He is still with us, no matter how we might feel, or what struggles captivate our thoughts. He is filling us with the power and grace of His Spirit, sometimes just enough for the day.

For this day…So today I will tell myself.

“The Lord is with you…mighty warrior.”

You have purpose, you are going to be ok. Because in my weakness He is strong.